We don’t want obedience.

Today, something happened that reminded me of one of the many reasons I founded Birdsall House.

At nap time, I was sitting between two children—both 2 years old, but about five months apart. The older one told me she didn’t want any help falling asleep. I told her that was perfectly fine. I would cover her up and then keep my hands to myself unless she changed her mind and needed me.

Then I turned to the younger child and said, “But I’ll rub your back.”
He immediately replied, “Pat.”
“Okay,” I said, “thanks for telling me what you want.” And I simply patted his back.

Interactions like this happen dozens of times a day at Birdsall House. Every team member understands the importance of giving children autonomy.

For years, I’ve told my students—future educators—that children should feel free to question why we do things. But I was often met with pushback from parents and supervisors. I once had a director walk into my classroom while a child was asking why we were doing an activity. The director yelled at the child and told them they needed to just do what adults tell them to do.

Another parent once argued that because he grew up in a rough neighborhood, he needed his son to listen and obey without question. He believed obedience was the best way to keep him safe.

I explained that if he wanted his child to stay out of trouble, he needed him to be comfortable questioning things. A child who can question their parents respectfully is far more likely to question a friend’s bad idea. If we teach children to obey without thinking, they will also obey peers—or anyone—who exerts authority over them.

Questioning an adult is not disrespectful. But refusing to allow a child to question is.

Children are natural learners. They can’t learn without information. They want to understand the world and how they move through it. Our job is not to teach obedience, it’s to support curiosity, agency, and confident, thoughtful decision-making.